- Becoming Your Own Life Coach - Read Online | Download PDF
- Husbands For Sale - Read Online | Download PDF
- Marriage On The Rocks - Read Online | Download PDF
- Ten Keys To Fighting Fair - Read Online | Download PDF
- Why Forgive? - Read Online | Download PDF
- Forgiveness Exercise - Read Online | Download PDF
- The Art of Understanding - Read Online | Download PDF
- Unmet Emotional Needs Survey - Read Online | Download PDF
Becoming Your Own Life Coach
by David M. Gutknecht
When we view ourselves as loveable, valuable, and capable, we are more able to recognize key things about ourselves that add to our self-esteem. Completing the following exercise will help you recognize your personal traits, skills, and accomplishments.
- Over the next week, identify three positive things you accomplish each day. (Example: Resolved a conflict with a friend, finished a project long overdue, etc.
- List five personal traits that you value about yourself. (Example: trustworthy, accepting.) Then ask friends, parents, teachers, and others for five more.
- Now list five skills that you believe you have. (Example: play piano, fix things, good at organization.)
- Reviewing the three areas of accomplishments, traits, and skills, how can you continue to build on the areas you identified?
- After bad days, setbacks, or when we have made mistakes, our thinking and behavior can hurt our self-esteem. List all of the negative, self-defeating thoughts, and behaviors that you have engaged in:
- Behavior (Example: Talk negative about ourselves or others.)
- Thinking (Example: I don’t do anything right.)
- Write a strategy for effectively handling the five most frequently occurring threats to your self-esteem.
- Behavior/Thinking
- Strategy
Husbands For Sale
(Humorous)
A store that sells husbands has just opened in Dallas, TX, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:
You may visit the store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the character attributes of the men increase as the shopper ascends the flights.
There is, however, a catch?.. you may choose any man from a particular floor,or you may choose to go up a floor, but you can not go back down except to exit the building!
So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband.
On the first floor the sign on the door reads: Floor 1 - These men have jobs.
The second floor sign reads: Floor 2 - These men have jobs and love kids.
The third floor sign reads: Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love kids, and are extremely good looking. "Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads: Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead good looking and help with the housework. "Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"
Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads: Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love kids, are drop-dead gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.
She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign reads: Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men o n this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please.
Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.
Please watch your step as you exit the building, and have a nice day.
Marriage on the Rock
by David M. Gutknecht
Read Matthew 7:24-27. This passage is talking about building your house upon a firm foundation. List what you believe are some firm foundations which will go into making a solid marriage relationship.
Reasons for Marriage
There are many reasons and motivating factors for marriage. Have you ever thought about yours? Respond to the following question and discuss your answers with your spouse.
- What are you receiving out of marriage that you wouldn’t receive by remaining single?
- List five reasons why you married your spouse. After you have done that, list the reasons why you think your spouse married you. Then share the results.
- What did you learn from doing the above exercise?
Ten Keys to Fighting Fair
by David M. Gutknecht
- Learn to listen to yourself
Prov. 13:3 He who guards his lips guards his life, but he who speaks rashly will come to ruin. - Double your listening and decrease your speaking
Prov. 17:27 A man of knowledge uses words with restraint,and a man of understanding is even-tempered. - Look for a "nugget of truth" in every criticism
Prov. 15:31 He who listens to a life-giving rebuke will be at home among the wise. - Talk to people, not at them
Eph. 4:29 Do not let any unwholesome talk come out of your mouths, but only what is helpful for building others up according to their needs, that it may benefit those who listen. - Don't loose your temper, you'll lose your point
Prov. 15:1 A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. - Try to win an agreement, never an argument
Phil. 2:4 Each of you should look not only to your own interests, but also to the interests of others. - Apologize when you're wrong, even on a minor matter
Eph. 4:32 Be kind and compassionate to one another, forgiving each other, just as in Christ God forgave you. - Stick to the subject, but find out what the subject is
Prov. 18:13 He who answers before listening-- that is his folly and his shame. - Don't be an historian
1Cor. 13:45 Love is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, and it keeps no record of wrongs. - Don't hit below the belt
1Cor. 13:6 Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
Why Forgive?
Adapted from the book, Healing is a Choice, Copyright 2005, Stephen Arterburn
David wrote, “When I refused to confess my sin, I was weak and miserable, and I groaned all day long” (Ps, 32:3 NLT). The New International Version is a bit more graphic: “When I kept silent, my hones wasted away through my groaning all day long.” David was expressing what we know to be true about the physiological impact of psychological pressures. Resentment, guilt, repressed feelings, and sin combine to create physical and emotional illnesses in us.
Consider the following report from researchers in Tennessee. They surveyed more than one hundred students who felt they had experienced an incident of serious personal betrayal. The researchers determined which of the students had the most forgiving personalities and which had less-forgiving personalities. Finally, researchers gathered students in a lab, where their vital signs were monitored. The students were asked to recall the incident or incidents of betrayal. Results confirmed that students with forgiving personalities recorded lower blood pressure and heart rate levels than the less forgiving students. Additionally, signs of sympathetic nervous system arousal (stress response) that elevated during betrayal discussions returned to normal quicker in “forgiving” students than it did in the “less-forgiving types.
As a result of their work, they suggested that forgiveness may not only be divine, but also a good way to stay healthy. Physicians and psychologists also confirm reports like the one above. They are substantiating what clergy and people have always intuitively known. Forgiveness is a key to preventing many illnesses and reducing stress. If you can forgive, you can recover & embrace your life, and move confidently into the future.
Holding grudges, being resentful, staying angry, and rehearsing past events in your mind are a certain prescription for illness. Your body will suffer the consequences. Your mental health: will be impacted. With enough stress you could even develop chronic disease. You may experience hormonal changes that lead to cardiac disease and impaired immune function. Your heart will suffer. Your misery will increase. In contrast, forgiveness is a healer. It allows us to deal with our past mistakes and sins by accepting the forgiveness that God offers. It teaches us that there is no need to hold grudges or nurture resentments. We can release them as we extend forgiveness.
Forgiveness Exercise
Adapted from the book, Healing is a Choice, Copyright 2005, Stephen Arterburn
Often, the baggage from our past weighs heavily on our minds. You may recall painful encounters and feel guilty as a result. Perhaps you lied to a friend, harbored deep resentment toward a parent, or ignored a friend who needed you. When you remember these things, you feel guilt and shame. You wish you could correct the damage done, but you don’t know how to contact the people. There is a way to deal with such burdens.
Create a list with two columns. In the left column, list the names of the people you would like to contact. In the right column, briefly describe the situation. When your list is complete, pray through the list one at a time. In prayer describe what happened and why you feel badly about it. Express your sorrow and guilt. Ask God to forgive you, and help the person you’re praying for to understand how sorry you feel. Take as long as you need to “talk it out.” Finally, ask God to heal your memory of the pain you’ve carried with regard to these people.“Forgive us our sins, just as we have forgiven those who have sinned against us” (Matt. 6:12 NLT).
The Art of Understanding
Active listening, or showing others that you understand them, is the most important step in communication. Generally, during an emotional moment, two people are desperately trying to get their points across to each other and neither is actually listening. Or one person is going on and the other is tuning him or her out. The way out of this dilemma is the listening paradox:
When you most want someone to hear you, it helps to listen first!
Active listening tools:
True listening is a form of meditation in which you clear your mind of your own thoughts and put your attention entirely on another person. The following steps help build the concentration necessary for active listening: Make eye contact, nods of understanding, and listening noises: "Uh huh. . . . hmm. . . ." When you appear disinterested, people talk on and on, desperately trying to gain your attention. Focusing on the speaker shortens monologues by helping the speaker realize you are listening.
Rephrase: "Are you saying . . . ?" It is better to restate in other words what has been said than to simply repeat. This helps clarify the other person's point. Ask questions if you don't fully understand what has been said: "What do you mean by . . . ?" Your paraphrases don't have to be 100% correct as long as you ask, "What percent of that did I understand?" Keep rephrasing until the other person feels completely understood. This is often signified by a nod.
Label feelings: "Do you feel . . . ? You seem to feel. . . ." Until emotions are recognized, people tend to hang on to them. Once feelings are identified, people can let them go. Highly accurate responses can draw out tears. Releasing such emotions deepens the connection between two people and takes communication to an intimate level (especially when accompanied by a touch, pat, or hug). When people are mad, identify any hurt their anger may be masking. It is generally better to overstate distress than to minimize it.
Validate feelings: "It makes sense that you feel . . . because. . . ." Validating the factors that contribute to a feeling requires curiosity. The more irrational an emotion seems, the more fascinating it is to discover the cause. When you understand the "emotional logic" behind a feeling, it starts to make sense: "I can see why you are disappointed in me, since you don't approve of women wearing short skirts." Feelings are not right or wrong, but are the result of helpful or harmful beliefs. Validating shows that you are not making judgments and helps others be less defensive or attacking.
It is far easier to make judgments and sneak in your own viewpoint than to listen. Examine the following comments carefully to find their hidden agenda: "You wanted to run away instead of trying"; "You think I can't ever change even though I'm listening now"; "You shouldn't feel so responsible."
The following examples show that in an emotional moment either person can turn conflict into true communication:
| Example #1: | |
| Person’s Comment: | How can I ever trust you to work out problems when you just walked out? |
| Rephrase: | You think if things get tense again, I won't be able to handle it and I'll leave. |
| Label Feelings: | The idea of trusting me seems to make you feel more worried and anxious. |
| Validate: | I can see why you would not trust me until I show you that I can be different. |
| Example #2: | |
| Person’s Comment: | I left because our argument was so bad, I thought it would get physical. |
| Rephrase: | You thought the wisest thing to do was leave and not chance another fight. |
| Label Feelings: | The idea that we might physically fight must have been really scary for you. |
| Validate: | It makes sense that when I pushed you, you were afraid you might strike back. |
| Example #3: | |
| Person’s Comment: | If you think I'm going to do my homework now, you're nuts. |
| Rephrase: | You think that this is a very poor time to do your assignment.. |
| Label Feelings: | Are you resentful that I'm asking you to do homework when we have company? |
| Validate: | I can see why you would feel left out when everyone else is having a good time. |
Although these examples demonstrate the tremendous improvement that can take place in communication with active listening, they may bring up some concerns:
Am I supposed to start repeating everything I hear? You do not have to use active listening every time someone talks to you. It is only during emotional moments, when you notice tension, that it is essential to switch gears and become an active listener.
Will I ever get a chance to speak? When you carefully listen without inserting your views, other people become curious about where you stand. Surprisingly, you will remember your own issues even though you've just put them out of your mind. However, your concerns may diminish when you thoroughly understand others.
Trying to get your point across without thoroughly understanding other people is like venturing into enemy territory without first doing reconnaissance work. Your power comes from understanding others-not from being understood!Unmet Emotional Needs Survey - Identification & Satisfaction
All human beings have emotional needs that we want satisfied. When they are not satisfied, we feel sad, depressed, lonely, hurt, disappointed, or even worthless. At times, we are sad and we are not even sure why. This exercise is designed to help you identify and specify what needs of yours are unmet as well as to help you design a plan of action to get your needs met by sharing them with others and/or doing something constructive to help yourself take charge of the satisfaction of your own needs.
I. Common Emotional Needs
Review the list of common emotional needs and place an X next to the ones that you feel are not met in your life. There are three blank lines for you to write in any unmet needs of yours that were left off the list.
_____1. To feel loved unconditionally by at least a few people.
_____ 2. To get recognition for accomplishments.
_____ 3. To be touched, patted, and hugged affectionately.
_____ 4. To be encouraged to do your best.
_____ 5. To be listened to, understood, and heard.
_____ 6. To feel supported when feeling hurt, weak, or vulnerable.
_____ 7. To be praised and rewarded for your effort to do the right thing.
_____ 8. To be treated with respect even if you disagree with someone.
_____ 9. To be forgiven when you do something wrong.
_____10. To feel accepted even with your faults or shortcomings.
_____11. To be asked to join others in social gatherings.
_____12. To be trusted and believed when telling your side of a story.
_____13. To have friends you can trust.
_____14. To have some talent or ability that gets you recognition and builds self-esteem.
_____15. To feel accepted and loved by God.
_____16. To be treated fairly, equally, and given an opportunity to succeed.
_____17. To feel capable of competing adequately against others.
_____18. To feel your physical appearance is reasonably attractive.
_____19. To have someone believe in your capabilities.
_____20. To feel you fit in with a group of friends.
II. Sharing Our Needs
Many times we have unmet needs that others are not aware of because we keep them to ourselves. When we do not share them, these unmet needs can cause disappointment, pain, and sadness. However, if we were to share these needs with close friends or family, we would often discover that these people would do whatever they could to help fill the void. It takes courage to be open about our needs because we want to appear self-sufficient, independent, and strong, but being honest with people that care about you is a sign of strength and trust.
• List the people who could help you get your needs met if you shared them with them.
• Write a target date on or before which you will share your needs.
III. Taking Action
At other times, we must take steps ourselves to get our needs met and not rely entirely on others to help us. Next to each unmet need, write one or two things you could do to help yourself move closer to getting your needs met. Perhaps your therapist can help you identify things you can do to help yourself. Write target dates for completing the steps you can take.
IV. Results of Action
Write out the consequences of the action you have taken to share your unmet need with someone or to take steps to help yourself.
